Between A Rock and A Hard Place

     Today I recognize there is a lesson to learn.  I am at the stage of being caught between a rock and a hard place.  I'm caught between my role of wife and mother, and that of a daughter to an aging parent.  God is teaching me that I am not to presume that I know what I am supposed to do.  I need to lean into Him to understand what it means to seek His wisdom.  

     I received a phone call from my mother who no longer lives in a close vicinity that makes it easy to care for her needs.  That decision was made about fourteen years ago when she and my dad moved to Florida to escape the cold winter weather we encounter in Michigan.  It was at that same time that I, late in life, became a mom.  At the age of 44 and my husband 50, we became the proud parents of a twelve-month-old daughter.  God could not have given us a better gift, or so we thought.  Then at the age of 50 and my husband a few days shy of his 57^th birthday, we again became parents to another daughter, nearly four-years-old at the time.  Like most, we were consumed in our lives and didn't think ahead on how we would care for our aging parents. 

     My husband’s mother, now 92, was in excellent shape in her early 80’s.  She was so happy to be a Nana again.  All her grandchildren boys, and of the four, the youngest, twins, were ten years old.  She doted over our daughters every chance she got.  She wanted to be an integral part of their lives.  Little did we know that in a blink of an eye, short-term memory loss would change her ability to do what she loved most, care for her family.  Because of some well-timed planning, the consequences of her failing health have not been life-altering for us.  A majority of her daily needs can still be met without much personal investment of our time.  Shared by three sons, the oldest takes care of the majority of her current needs.  She is still able to live somewhat independently with several services to manage her daily meds, meals, and exercise.  She lives close enough to check in as well as manage emergencies.  It doesn’t create an impediment on our family rhythm.

     My parents, on the other hand, moved over fifteen hundred miles away when my father was in his early sixties.  Emphatically stated, “if I never see another snowflake, it will be too soon,” and he meant it.  My dad’s health was in a constant state of flux, and we often remarked that his comebacks resembled a cat with nine lives.  We were not very involved in his failing health, but we understood the tremendous burden that rested on mom’s shoulders.  Our involvement was minimal primarily because we were in the middle of raising adolescent daughters.  My father passed away a few days following his 82^nd birthday.  My mom had assumed the role of primary caregiver for twenty years, and it took its toll on her.

     Not knowing how to start the conversation with her over how I could assume a more significant role, we spoke only once or twice.  I asked, “what plans should we make for Dad if something were to happen to you," as the distance would not allow us to participate in his care since we were so far away.  Shortly after bringing our youngest daughter home, Dad was in ICU after having a majority of his pancreas removed, and Mom was undergoing a much put-off surgery to have her A-fib heart condition corrected.  We were not expecting to travel to China, after a five-year wait at the same time that both of my parents were in the middle of a health crisis.  If I had traveled to support their medical needs, we would have forfeited the adoption of our youngest daughter.  This is another story in itself.  

     Not entirely transparent for me was the need for my mother to have surgery to replace her aging pacemaker.  The span of life left in this device in her chest is now within two weeks of expiring according to the phone call I received late last evening.  Over the past several months Mom and I have had many conversations regarding getting the information she needed to schedule this surgery.  My attention split between my family and her needs did not make my involvement seem that important.  However, now with more urgency, the matter has come to rest in the immediate need as she asked, "Can you come down to Florida now?"  Life can be a selfish pursuit without the intention for it to be so.  I had only had a few moments to ponder the question she posed when I pulled out my schedule of Mom responsibilities — the challenges I face, not much different than most adult children with aging parents, convenience. 

     Our oldest daughter, just days away from her fifteenth birthday is now enrolled in driver’s education and is dependent on me for her daily transportation to and from driving school for the next two weeks.  As we had perused the calendar, March seemed to be the only convenient month for her to begin this training as she has many other high school-related activities vying for her attention.  Little did we know when committing to this driver’s education session, that track would begin one month sooner than expected.  Unlike most high school athletes, this is the only sport on her agenda.  Reasoning with her that it was not possible for her to keep up with her new trimester classes, her driving instruction, driving schedule, track practices and meets and still be able to eat and sleep, she conceded and contacted her track coach.  She received a waiver to begin track as soon as driving commenced. 

     Our youngest daughter, now in middle school has bi-monthly appointments at the dentist to adjust her braces. Usually, this would be a once-a-month commitment, but true to form we find ourselves returning with a broken or popped bands at least once a month for the past six.  This daughter rarely gets involved in extracurricular activities, but recently enjoyed participating in a spelling bee and is now staying after school for volleyball once a week.  She also has added a few events, one of which was attending a S.T.E.M. expo at our local community college.  Both of our girls are in band and have competitions, concerts, and fundraising events in March.  Our weekly routines, not often hectic like some families, seems to pick up this time of year when I operate as a single parent due to my husband’s workload.

     My husband, a CPA and tax specialist, works a minimum of 80 hours a week from January through April; however, due to a change in staff, excessive overtime started before Thanksgiving this year.  He is now at the sleepwalking stage where he comes to breakfast with a glazed look in his eyes wishing to catch just a few more winks before heading to the office.  Often time he arrives home after my eyes have drifted shut and I’m lucky to hear him come to bed.  If it weren’t for rising early to fix his breakfast and packing both lunch and dinner for him six days a week, I wouldn’t recognize that he still lives in our house.  Oh yes, there is still a bit of dirty laundry that makes its way to the hamper.  It is not common for me to complain about his schedule.  We live a very blessed life, and many would not bode well under the pressure he feels meeting all his deadlines.  Most would find his work boring, tedious, and unbearable.  This year marks his 40^th tax season.

     I am the one most blessed in the family.  I spend my days in research, reading and writing which I fit in around cooking, cleaning, carpooling and laundry.  As monotonous as that may sound, it holds great appeal to me.  I get to spend many hours in God’s Word, and I am learning and growing as I pull lessons together for elementary school children, some small group activities, and women's Bible studies.  I have great satisfaction in productivity while not feeling the stress of working outside of the home.  Life is good, but then, the phone call.

     Many of you may face the same dilemma, how do we handle the responsibilities between our commitments to family and aging parents?  Our heart-felt desire to give is masked by the inconvenience one feels in putting all the intricate pieces together.  Our course, it is our goal to make sure everything works out best for everyone concerned.  I have asked God to show me where my heart rests in this situation.  Where should I place my allegiance?  How can I be the most God-honoring?  What am I to do?  

     What I hope to share with you is how God is teaching me to navigate this new dimension of caregiving.  I want the pressure I feel in this situation to refine me from a murky lump of coal into a valuable and beautiful gemstone.  How can I serve my family, my aging mother, and my King?  This morning I took my Bible study in the direction of this topic as I evaluated how to honor my mother while recognizing the structure that God has created called 'those with authority over us'.  I hope this topic will interest you; please stay tuned for what God is teaching me.  If you have experiences you wish to share that help us grow in our understanding, please tell.  If you have participated in a Bible study, read a good book, listened to a great sermon, observed a valuable video, or listened to a podcast on this topic, please bring this to our attention.  Let’s honor God with our willingness to be great students when we feel caught between a rock and a hard place.